it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
