then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
