Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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