my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
