I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
