I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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