turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
