my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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