I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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