im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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