why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
