my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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