I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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