my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
