i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
