so explain again why im purple
no
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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