It's like God shit irony all over that family
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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