You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
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okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
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