i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
