Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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