you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
