Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
