I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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