Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
