it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
