while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
