Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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