when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
