last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
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so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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