I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
