Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.