I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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