I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
