I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
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She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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