i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
