Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
