First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
