He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
