Will you blow on my dice?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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