Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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