hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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