He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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