Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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