no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
