He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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