Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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