I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
