Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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