Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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