Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
