one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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