I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
