Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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