totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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